05 / April / 2024 Two Sides to Every Story

Following on from my post about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), I want to talk about smear campaigns. Of course, not everyone who embarks upon a smear campaign is a 'narc' - some are just people with a very shaky grasp on the truth, wishing to show themselves in a better light by throwing shade at others.

Dr Les Carter (an authority on narcissism), says:

"The name of the game for the narcissist is dominance and power... they can be very fluid with truth, and so you might ask, 'Well, how am I going to respond to this? Do I need to just go out to my public and defend myself, when I know that this kind of campaign is being taken against me?' And sometimes the answer is 'Yes'..."

I was recently alerted to a podcast in which there's something of a character assassination on me. Having once been in the public eye, albeit briefly, it goes with the territory that you will be 'discussed', but it feels unnecessary for an interviewer to take such an irresponsibly tabloid approach, while their interviewee responds by enthusiastically spilling fake beans.

Back in the 90s when promoting my post-AAE Mice album, the question of what I'd been doing while in the 'wilderness' came up in an interview. I answered, candidly, mentioning that at one point I was a cleaner in a studio.

Almost a quarter of a century later, the interviewer resurrected this and asked their interviewee for their thoughts.

It is important to note that I am certainly not inferring that either of the people involved in this exchange are narcissists, but there is certainly an element of smear campaign about this.

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Excerpt from the Q&A.

Q: Back in the mid 90s, Julianne formed the band called 'Mice', which has not the greatest record cover, I have to say... It was a bit... It wasn't that inspirational... I remember her saying that when she left All About Eve, she didn't have any... One minute you're playing at the Royal Albert Hall, the next minute she was cleaning the studio because she didn't have any money. And I remember thinking, 'How come you didn't have any money left after that experience?' -  Is that the case, that with a band you kind of think, 'My God' and one minute you're playing Glastonbury, in the top 10 with various albums and singles, then when it all finishes you think, 'Shit! I've got no cash! How am I gonna pay the rent? I need to get another job.'

A: What can I say about that? Erm...what I would say is...that's a lie... It's an absolute lie. You know, I used to invest in gear for the band, like, all sorts of stuff, you know,  guitars, you know, anything. It could be anything. They used to spend it on their mortgage... And that's why I'm pissed off, for stuff like that. That's just a load of crap. Generally you get an amount of money then you pay  yourself extra on the excess. 'I've got no money'? So what? Bullshit. Sorry.

Q: (Laughs)

A: And I don't actually care if you put this out, you know, 'cause it's bullshit. Just stop complaining! It's like... Stop it. Stop complaining. Shut your... Shut your mouth. You know, just stop it. Stop it. Stop complaining. (Laughs).

Q: Yeah.

A: What I find, you know, people moan and moan and moan, and it's just like...'Will you shut up!?' 

Q: (Laughs)

A: I don't fuckin' understand!

Q: But then you play on a couple of songs for that particular project, on Mice.

A: Yes. Yes I did. Look, I was... You know, you always look back, it's like retrospect. How did I feel about that? I wanted to be involved 'cause Julianne asked me to be involved, so I did four songs, I think. It was like...a surreal experiment to me. I was going into it blind. I wasn't going into it thinking even like, I'm helping Julianne out, 'cause I were just thinking, 'Well yeah, this'll be alright, you know. Fine!' I got no reward. There's like, two or three songs on the Mice album that I think are fantastic; mainly the ones that I played on. (Laughs).

Q: (Laughs). Excellent.

A: (Laughs) Which is weird. I just wanted to help Julianne out, that's all, even though she'd deserted my fuckin' band! But honestly, I just wanted to help her out...

Q: Yes.

A: Because that's what I'm like.

 

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Granted, this isn't the front cover of The S*n, but to paraphrase X Files,  the untruth is out there.

If you take the interview at face value, then I am a liar who squandered any money she may have had on (looks at notes) her mortgage. I also 'deserted' the band, and apparently, I don't pay session player fees.

Seems I should stop moaning and complaining; in fact I should 'shut my mouth'. And the interviewer and the interviewee? Oh, how they laughed.

This podcast is just an example, the tip of an iceberg of misinformation. You might have heard that I'm a bit of a diva, a bit difficult, a bit awkward, and that's the type of criticism that gets aimed at those who feel the need to fight their corner, especially when they are women. Being assertive isn't very 'feminine', is it?

So have a 'laff' lads, titter away at how you don't believe that after having played The Royal Albert Hall I ended up as a 'job seeker' doing cleaning part-time in order to top up my unemployment benefit. (And yes, of course, I declared the earnings because I am a socialist.)

In the words of Dr Les Carter, am I going to defend myself? Once the untruths are out there, they tend to become written in stone. However, there is such a thing as a wrecking ball and the question is around whether to ever use it.

 

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In this video Dr Les Carter discusses techniques used in smear campaigns. If you feel lied about, gossiped about, or misrepresented in any way, consider watching this, or at least read this excerpt.

 

>>> They can just point blank tell overt lies about you, because who's going to refute them regarding situations nobody else sees?

>>>They can project their own flaws onto you... Seeing in you what they cannot come to terms with on the inside of themselves. Classic projection.

>>>They can twist stories into 'half-truths'. Let's suppose you have somebody that's a narcissistic person and they've been haranguing you, so you just withdraw and you remove yourself. Then later on the narcissist will say, 'On top of everything else, that person is the master of passive-aggressiveness!' Well, you withdrew,  passive-aggressive people do that but this is the narcissists way of taking something and making a half-truth out of it. That's the way they can operate.

>>>This is what I refer to as coy 'I can't say...' insinuations. Let's suppose there's been some sort of break-up between you and that narcissist, and the narcissist might say something like, 'Well, I know that some people think she's a real truth-teller but, well... No, I don't need to get into it.' And so you say, 'Come on, tell me. What are you getting at?' - 'No, I just think some things are better off left unsaid.' So they're not overly telling lies, but they're leading you toward the presumption that a lie is indeed truth. That's the covert passive-aggressive narcissism in the extreme.

>>>They can describe things about you, out of context. They can make it sound so sincere that other people think, 'Wow! I had no idea.' That's what they want you to believe.

>>>Another way that a narcissist can smear you is that they can demonise those who support you.

>>>The narcissist can appeal to their own personal positive characteristics, and so the narcissist may say, 'You have no idea how many times I have bent over backwards trying to keep this person happy. I've done all sorts of favours and nothing, and I mean nothing, can be satisfied. I mean, I don't know what to do!' And you find out that that's taken way out of context and is not accurate, you know, 'I've gone overboard doing this and that' and so they set themself as being the magnanimous exemplar and you're just nothing but the ingrate.

>>>The name of the game for the narcissist is dominance and power. They can exhibit a lot of shallow thinking, they can be very fluid with truth, which is a nice way to say they lie a lot, and easily. They can be insincere, undermining, they can be cagey, they can be devious... And so you might ask, 'Well, how am I going to respond to this? Do I need to just go out to my public and defend myself, when I know that this kind of campaign is being taken against me?'And sometimes the answer is 'Yes'. Sometimes you'll need to let people know especially people that you care most about, let them know - 'I know that there are some things being spoken about me. If you have any questions then I'd be more than happy to talk with you about it. Unfortunately I've been on the receiving end of a public campaign that has not really put me in a good light. What would you like to know?' And show yourself to be transparent. So yes, there are times when you need to do that and you need to explain.

>>>They key though, is to do it without sounding too defensive. 'Well, let me tell you a few things about that other person!' Because if you go too far into that then people just feel like they're being caught in unnecessary crossfire.

And then another question people have is, 'Well, should I go and confront the narcissist?' and sometimes the answer there is also 'Yes'. Sometimes you can let that narcissistic person know, 'Hey, I'm onto you. I know that you've been saying things about me and my character. As strongly as I can say it I'm going to ask you to please stop. I don't want this to happen anymore' and you can at least speak your truth. It doesn't mean it's not going to happen anymore; it doesn't mean they're going to stop... But there are times when that would be best.

>>>When a narcissist makes it their job to run you into the ground, your best argument is a life well lived. And that can sound like the 'correct' answer, and then you kind of think, 'Well, but not everybody understands...' And I guess I have the response, well if other people are going to believe that narcissistic person's spin on pretty much everything, then it may be that those people that believe the narcissist don't really know a whole lot about narcissism and that narcissist very well, which means they're not very deep thinkers, and it also means that they may not have the depth and the wisdom to realise that there are always two sides to every story and they're not willing to go there, then the question is, 'Do you really need to have their approval?'

>>>So let's go with the notion that says, when you need to, stand up for yourself and speak words on your behalf, but in the meantime your best argument is to be a person of good character.

These people can be so exasperating, but I'm hoping that you can decide, 'I'm going to live inside dignity, respect and civility', and over time, if people are inclined to really want to know you, then those kind of characteristics are going to be your best argument. 'Watch how I live my life and draw your conclusions accordingly.'Dr Les Carter